God's Voicemail

I usually delete unread, all 'forward' e-mails that share jokes or wisdom of the ages. When I received this one that read on the subject line 'God on voicemail', I was curious enough to click on the attachment. I have cut off all the preambles and have modified some of the text, and have written a new intro. I have also changed the prayer options to the ACTS system that is very effective.

In the beginning of time, God was very accessible to people on a one to one basis. People spoke to Him from their bedrooms and He spoke back to them. As human problems became more complex and God was being bothered by the most trivial of things, He allowed the High Priests to pick up the requests and deal with what they could and pass the more difficult cases to Him and the Christ.

Later on, the Christ came in the human form of Jesus and walked among men and witnessed that the High Priest had become quite stuffy and used their discretions sometimes unfairly. Some of them were corrupt - a brood of vipers, and when Jesus was crucified, the curtain in the temple was ripped apart, bringing men directly into the presence of God again.

The high priests still have their function, but one does not need them anymore in order to speak to God.

In a recent turn of events, in has emerged that God found the use of the switchboard in the corporate world quite exciting. In a swift move to answer all those critics who think that God has not really upgraded his communications systems to the standards of the technological age, men who only believe what they can see or understand how it works, men who fail to realise that the equipment-free communications systems God already had in place was quite technologically advanced, God moved to install a virtual switchboard so that when you pray, you at least hear and receive some instant attention.

This story assumes your prayer is a telephone call to heaven. Enjoy.


Thank you for calling heaven.

For English press 1

For French press 2

For Igbo or any African Language press 3

For Klingon and all other languages, press 4

If you wish to hear the options again press 9


Please select one of the following options:

A - Adoration: If you are calling just to give praise to God's holy name, to celebrate him, Press 1 now.

C - Confession: To confess your sins now, and to pray for strength to stay away from sin, Press 2 now.

T - Thanksgiving: To thank God for what he has done for you and your loved ones, press 3 now.

S - Supplication: Please note that under supplication there are 2 sub-options; Intercession - to pray for other people, to ask God to have mercy on world leaders, to touch the hearts of the wicked and turn them away from their wickedness, to get the sick better, or any other matter concerning other people, press 4, or for Petition - to ask God for what you need yourself, a wife, a husband, a car, a job, good health, a friend, anything at all you want for yourself, Press 5.

Please be aware that when you pray, God can give you one of three answers, Yes, No, or Maybe. Yes, for what he thinks you are ready for, No for something which in your human wisdom you think you need, but God knows will not be good for you, and Maybe for something he wishes to consider for you but not at that very moment.

Please be patient, all our Angels are busy helping other callers right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line. Or if you know the extention you want press it now, for example:

To speak to God directly now press 1,

To speak to the Christ press 2,

To find out if your recently-departed friend or family member has been assigned to heaven press 3, (If you receive a negative response, press 666 to speak to him in the Departures Lounge to Hell. If he has already been shipped, you will be unable to reach him)

For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3 - 16.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.

For Operator assistance, press 0 now.

If the Operator does not pick up, it is probably because this office is now closed for the weekend to observe religious holiday, in which case you may wish to contact your local pastor.

And if Satan is knocking at your door, simply say, "Jesus, could you please get that for me?"

Thank you and have a heavenly day.

Click on the e-mail sign below to send this to somebody.

Best Wishes and Merry Christmas

Nnorom